Learning How To Grieve
“Wherefore, fear not even unto death: for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life.” Doctrine and Covenants 101:36-38
On May 16th, 2015, my best friend went home to our Father. This was not expected… The heart that is so vital in my life stopped working. The world has now been forever changed.
I should start with an apology because I have not really introduced myself in this blog and some of the things that I write about might seem to come out of nowhere. I originally started this blog with the intent to not share anything overly personal and remain anonymous… With C’s passing, it has made me realize how unrealistic an idea that was. I don’t know how to censor myself, especially with things that I am passionate about. I don’t believe in regrets because that means that you are ashamed of what you have done and have yet to learn from your experiences. I do believe in sharing who you are, all that you are because to do anything else means you are hiding someone amazing from the world and that just won’t do. So here I am… uncut, uncensored and imperfect for all the world to read.
C and I would spend hours upon hours talking in her living room. Her husband would joke that while being away at work for 4 hours, we hadn’t moved… it was funny because it was true. There was no topic that was not open for discussion. From our families, our mundane daily exploits, the antics of her girls or my frustration of not getting pregnant… we covered just about everything there was. Our most common topic was that of Spirituality and preparing to meet the Lord in this life. Now there are a lot of subjects that fall within these two topics like communicating through the veil of the spirit world, having a true baptism of fire, receiving the Second Comforter, eternal progression… I hope you get the picture here. I think back now on the talks we have had in the past month. There was a definite theme and neither of us knew what was really going to happen.
I remember sitting on her porch and telling her that I felt like a door was closing and something was coming to an end. I couldn’t seem to get an answer from the Lord about what it pertained to and it was so frustrating. I kept thinking it was my fertility window. TTC is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in this mortal life and it is beyond frustrating to not be able to do the one thing that so many others can and don’t really want to. She looked at me and told me that she understood. She was building a screened porch on the back of her house and she didn’t think she was going to get to enjoy it. How profound it is to sit back and reflect on that afternoon. I ask myself, what would I have done differently, had I known I was in the last weeks of her earthly life. Is there anything she would have done differently? I don’t think that she would have but I know that I certainly would. First, I would have taken more pictures together. We were always too busy talking or living in the moment to take pictures of ourselves. There is only one picture of her and I in the 5 years we have been BFF’s and once I found it, it was several seconds before I even realized what I was looking at. It has taken me a few days to again realize what a gift that was. In a world where I seem to be more involved with what is going on with my phone, when we were together… electronics didn’t compute into our interaction. How rare that is for my world today… and something I am working on changing. Secondly, I would have recorded her voice. She has the coolest sayings and nobody spoke just like C. Her sister and mom are a very close second but I expected that as J and C are very much like their momma. Last but not least… I would have held her once last time and told her how much she has blessed my life. There are many things that I wish I could share but in honesty they are too sacred to me. They have changed me on the deepest level and made me a better woman. Because of C, I have come to a deeper understanding and love of the scriptures. The light and knowledge that Father has promised us now jumps off the page and settles upon my heart. If there was nothing else that I have received from her in our time on this telestial sphere together, that would be enough.
C knew the words to the scripture above be true and she lived them every day. She desired the coming of Zion and rejoiced in the helping to bring it to pass. She is a true Daughter of God. Her call was sure and her work has now begun on the other side of the veil. I promise you C, with every breath I take, I will continue upon the path we were traveling on together. I know you are still around me. I feel your hand upon me often and I am thankful for the gifts our Father has given me that allow me to do so. I pray that I may continue to live as you did….In tune with the Lord and striving to become the woman He knows me to be. I love you C… I will see you in Zion.
Original post May 30th,2015
A truly beautiful woman...inside and out